Sunday, August 19, 2007
Wa.. Today the student taught the teacher..
I learnt much.. Reading my sheep's blog about his life made me reflect on myself..
In fact, I can see he will go further than me..
He sees visions, God speaks to him often..
Compared to me, who ain't that consistent in Christ,
I guess its time to buck up my ideas..
Forget about emotions and chuck them to the back of my heart..
Ain't it time to just be there to Chiong for God??
I have been so emotion filled this days..
And though ppl say I am emoing on the outside..
I did like to say, I am not..
Even at the most, its just a lil..
I made it a point to hide it all in..
And thats why my blog is a dumping ground..
For ppl who nvr liked my posts and find it offensive,
its high time u screw urself and scram off now..
I seriously had enuff of criticism and all that nonsense..
This blog shall be based on my true feelings and nothing else..
Everything..
I may not be emoing outside, but I still am..
I not gonna show it le.. The next time u see me..
U wun find a difference between me emoing and me not..
Trust me.. The only thing u will see is a happy zhi xian..
Though all those screwed up ppl will say I am being hypocritical,
I will asked them to shut up and remind them to screw themselves off..
I have known enuff that letting ppl know ur real feelings will only hurt yourself and many others..
From now on..
Its all in my heart, blog and God..
Seriously and I would say perhaps a new found fren who is so alike its frightening..
He's voldemort and I am harry potter..
Check out the connection yourself.. -.-"
Well, whether or not I am gonna emo to him and show him my true exposed self..
I have to reconsider..
I dun wanna lose a fren le..
Later got reasons like, Orh.. He too emo le.. Cannot stand him..
SERIOUSLY!!
I HAD ENUFF!! WITH U LINKING ME TO BEING EMO ALL THE TIME WHEN I AM GOD DAMN NOT!! CAN'T I JUST BE WHO I AM?!!
no i can't.. U ppl wun let me..
I can't tell u how much shit and F*** I have been going thru..
All these confusion and all these emotions are driving me wild..
I cannot say much for fear of disclosing too much..
Think I gonna put out another blog on everything.. In detail, what has happen and who is involved and what I feel...
Try searching the blog if u wan..
Think I will only let a few ppl know.. ppl I can trust with my life and at the same time who trust me without questions..
These are ppl who are almost like-minded like me..
Oh, for ppl who dunno..
I am someone who fei chang jiang yi qi de..
If you are my fren, I will be there for u..
If u are my good fren, I will do my best to help u..
If u are my best fren(more than one de la.. as long got mutual trust without questions and with lives), I will do all the above and will sacrifice my life willingly for you anytime..
I am serious..
I value my friends like beyond Gold..
They are just the most precious people on Earth..
Sometimes even overtaking my valuation of my family..
But I know I love my family and will die for them too..
These kinda of thinking who can apprehend?
Who can understand?
Who even share the same thoughts?
Anyway, My walk with God has been wobbling and I needa stand straight and run again..
Not run.. SPRINT!!
God.. These are all I have.. I wanna give it to you..
Cuz they belong to you in the first place..
Haishzz.. Anyway, I totally agree with what miss G says..
We should get into relationships as early as possible..
It is then thru the heartaches that we learn what we want, who we are and what we can do..
If not, 20 years down the road.. you get into a relationship and decide to get married..
Chances are u are screwed..
You wun know how to handle ur marriage cuz Problems bound to occur and u wun know how handle them..
U dunno what u wan..
Etc..
What she says makes sense..
Pity the World doesn't think so..
Haishzz..
Well, having said that,
even if i wan get into relationship,
No one will ever like me also what.. -.-"
I got proof k?
SO DUN ask!! CUZ IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!
Even now, I realise that thought I have loads of frens,
coming by the cartload, its nothing..
DO I have this group of frens that I can count on?
Who in the fcuking world do I call when I wanna go out and chill?
No one..
I spent time outside class with others in hope of knowing others better,
SOWing, doing God's work, hoping they will come to know God more easily..
And also to be frens lo..
And when I sacrifice all these, all I get is ppl thinking I am emoing..
Ppl who pang seh me when I asked him/them/her to join me but him/them/her gives shit reasons and pang seh me to another group..
Now, though I have frens outside of class,
who can be with me through as a group that cares?
All my frens are just those whom have their own classes and cliques to be with..
I mean which fren will willingly get out of his/her clique and come be with me?
No one will.. They have their own lives in their own class..
Diff timetables etc ain't any help either..
Making me nothing and lonely..
Even if I have two frens who are a clique in a sense..
they will firstly have their own classmates to hang out with, making me the extra piece of shit again..
And I also realise I cannot blend in cuz i dunno them well..
And they wun let me know much either..
Either way..
I am destined to be surrounded by frens(no real trust in between de.. few that really have la.. but cannot hang out together too..)but doomed to be alone..
Guess its sorta a destiny..
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Also, I realise that Our class is like split into an non-obvious two part..
Lets call it two entities..
I am one..
the rest are the other entity..
These other entities are divided into 4 factions who will come and group together once in a while..
Its so true..
I can tell you I dun feel welcome at any of their groups..
They started out together and me just an intruder..
I gotta thank this special Gal in class who sorta offered to help me and invited me into her clique..
I did try..
But I realise ur clique ain't that enthusiastic about me being there..
I am just an extra.. can't u see?
an extra piece of shit that should be in the library mugging, slacking alone..
Haishzz.. enuff said.. I blog one hour le..
siao..
will go first..
Write more when I got time..
PW time.. -.-" wun sleep till I finish..
Cheerios and nitez..
carved upon my life at 12:19:00 AM