Saturday, September 22, 2007
I realised an interesting fact..
But its God Damn Irritating as well..
I realise that, Somehow when u wanna remember something,
Ur freaking brain makes is soooo Difficult to remember that U feel like giving up..
It muddles u up with all the other facts u want to remember,
And u take the hell of a time to accomplish it..
However, When u wanna forget something,
UR FREAKING brain refuses to let u forget...
U wanna forget the pain and the hurt..
But ut brain seems to like to the torture u are going thru..
Its like it's feeding on all ur despair, hurt, pain, agony etc..
And no matter how hard u try..
That stuff that u wanna forget, just sticks on,
Even stronger than the strongest super glue,
Its like its welded into u..
And if u apply heat, U just solidify it, and make it even more mixed..
U try to knock it off, But it hurts like shit..
Cuz u are also hitting a part of urself off..
Oh man..
So irritating..
Promos is like a few freaking days away, And I am like freaking dead..
Freaked out.. Knocked out.. Conked Out.. U name it.. Its done..
How the hell am I gonna pass subjects that I have no confidence in??
AHHHHHH!!!!
I wish I had not known u, And then I would not have loved u so much,
and be soo distracted..
Not that it's ur fault.. But I really wish I had not had such feelings..
Not only not for u, but to have no feelings for anyone else..
Then I would really be focussed and achieve what I know I can..
Many ppl say I am smart.. Yeah.. Fine.. I accept that..
But my question is, I am lazy..
So what If I am DAMN DAMN smart?
Diligence pays off in the end..
I really needa be revived man..
U are right..
I was asking U to promise me something I cannot even do..
But I was hoping u would promise me and at least give me some confidence in myself,
to think that, since u can do it.. So can I..
But u ignored me..
Why?? I am really tired..
I cannot study..
I cannot sleep well..
I cannot pay attention and this vicious cycle is killing me..
I wished everything wouldn't turn out this way..
I am convinced if I had been more alert and taken the right steps..
I would have been a happy person now..
The most happy? Maybe, maybe not..
But definitely happier than now..
I would ace my studies.. etc..
And just one mistake can throw u into the deepest abyss..
Oh man.. The cruelness of this situation..
I know, as christians, we are suppose to do all things for God..
And yeah.. I am trying..
And In fact, I am very guilty that, in certain parts of my life..
I did put God second, and u first..
Like how if being with u would help me in my studies..
And how I will do well in my studies cause of u..
But I know God is still the highest priority..
And I am ashamed that though I say that I will always put him first despite all circumstances..
Esp if I had a gf... I would make clear that God comes first.. if not.. then.......
But now I think, I couldn't have done it if it was u..
I thought hard.. And I realised that I would do almost anything to be together with u..
Thats bad..
Though it ain't like leaving church..
But I did envisage myself, not as committed if I were to have u..
And perhaps, its God will that things did not work out..
and Perhaps, Its better this way..
Me doing my godly work, trying to be Godly,
While U try and woo that guy that u like..
Well.. Perhaps its better that way..
--> I am so trying to convince myself, to no avail..
Haishzz..
Love endureth forver..
carved upon my life at 11:49:00 PM